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June 25, 2004

101 uses for Bill Clinton's Memoires

I'm saddened over the tragic waste of trees used to publish Bill CLinton's "book". It's pretty much been uniformly dissed by the reviewers, it's over 900 pages long, it's by a politician notorious for long, winded, boring speeches, so I figure it's not really a book -- it's a souvenir, it's a coffee table knick-knack. The question I want to know is how many of the people who've bought it will actually read it. I really think it's wrong to categorize a novelty item as a book. It does injustice to authors of real books.

Well, maybe we can figure out some ways to redeem this terrible waste, so I'm starting on a list of 101 useful things to do with Bill Clinton's book. The only ground rule would be that any item in the list has to be as least more useful than as a container for Clinton's demented ramblings. Pretty low standard.

1. Since it's really thick and the odds of anyone actually taking it off the shelf and looking inside are pretty slim, it would make a nice secret hiding place. Take the book, open the front and back covers and clamp the pages down and with a jig saw cut out a nice big square. Hide valuables inside and place back in the book shelf. 

2. Since it's large and heavy it would work well to press flowers. I'm told manure is good for roses, so there's an added benefit there as well.

3. Leave next to the commode as an emergency supply of toilet paper -- as long as you don't mind the redundancy.

4. Shredded as a garden mulch it would work well -- and again there's that manure thing that would come in handy.

5. Leave next to the back door to throw at those noisy alley cats who seem to always choose outside your bedroom window for their 3am trysts.

So you can see the pattern. Let's see how many other uses people can come up with.


Posted by Jack Lewis at June 25, 2004 02:54 PM