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April 15, 2005

The Republican Party Fundrai...er...Census Document

My wife got a letter from the Republican National Committee today. It turns out she is among a “select” group of Republicans who have been “chosen” to take part in the “official” — CENSUS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. Obviously I'm horribly jealous. Her response — the letter explains — will determine whether the RNC will pester — er — allow another 5.5 million Republicans to participate in the CENSUS OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

She was busy making up a shopping list, so allowed me to respond for her. Okay, let me explain that as a Republican I'm not trying to belittle the party as a whole, only the dimwits that send out a fundraising letter disguised as a census. I'm also annoyed when even pretend censuses (or should that be censi?) ask stupid questions.

Most of the questions were softball, no-brainers like: Do you support President Bush's initiatives to promote the safety and security of all American? (Like duh.) But then I came across the ones that really annoy me. For example:

Do you continue to support increasing the amount of security at airports, train stations and all government buildings including monuments and museums?

First of all, is it me or is the addition of “continue to” a bit presumptive? Not that I didn't support it initially, but it presumes that there actually ever was any true increase. All I've seen so far is a lot of silliness that's annoyed people and done absolutely nothing to make airplanes, trains and whatnot any safer. It's been proven time and again that it's ridiculously easy to smuggle weapons into airplanes, unless of course you're an 85 year-old grandmother, a four-year old little girl or the pilot of the plane. If some terrorist jumps for the flight attendant with a box cutter now-a-days, the passengers will be the ones grabbing him and beating him into a greasy pulp. The “security” is and always has been window dressing. Even the Air Marshal is all but useless since they are required to wear a suit while sitting in coach. Who wears a suit in coach? Might as well give him a name tag with big letters that says, “Hi, I'm Fred. I'll be your Air Marshal for this flight. Oh, and terrorists, please kill me first.”

Then there's:

Do you agree that teaching our children to read and increasing literacy rates should be a national priority?

Uh...as in under Federal control? Absolutely not. That's been the problem all along. This is one of those, “Yes or No: Do you still beat your wife?” kinda questions. Does a “yes” mean I support even more Federal control over local schools? Does a “no” mean I don't want kids to learn how to read? Does an “Undecided” mean I don't care? Let's just say I agree that RNC marketing people should be taught how not to ask idiotic and vague questions.

Then there's:

Do you support the election of Republican candidates across the country and rebuilding our majorities over the next ten years?

Only morons vote by the party. I'll support the GOP as long as they represent the issues the way I believe they should be represented. If they ever abandon the principles I value, then I'll vote for whichever candidate does. I thought it was kind of insulting that they would even ask such a lame question — until I read this one:

Will you join the Republican National Committee by making a contribution today?

They couldn't even respect the intelligence of Republicans enough to refrain from asking such a transparent solicitation while pretending it was a Census? Who'd they get to write this thing, Democrats?

Posted by Danny Carlton at April 15, 2005 04:20 PM

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